Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Where Are You Christmas?

"Where Are You Christmas"

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love

This is the first year I have not been in the mood for Christmas. I didn't even put up my tree. The only decorations I have up are the Christmas cards I have been given. I just don't feel like it. Steve is gone, Grandma is gone and now it feels like Shellie is gone too.
I don't even know what is going on between her and my dad anymore. All I know is that they won't talk to one another and our holidays have not been the same this year.
Shellie took it upon herself to have Halloween at her house instead of coming to mom and dad's as we do EVERY year. Instead she had it at her house and invited other people to her house. I was not even invited.
She then took it upon herself to have Thanksgiving without us too. Instead, she had 27 people at her house and again, I was not even invited. I would not have gone anyhow as my loyalty is to my parents, but this is sure screwing up our family and what it used to be.
I am sure Christmas will be the same. Dad has already said plan on it being like Thanksgiving. Not that just the four of us isn't nice, but what I would really like is for us to all be a family again and stop this foolishness of whatever it is going on. One or both of them need to grow up and fix this. If not for themselves, for the rest of us that it is hurting.
Christmas should not feel like just another day in our lives. It is supposed to be special and bring us all closer together. Why can't that happen with our family? Why won't either of them try? Is our family not worth it? Do they like being this way to everyone?
I have had my own problems with Shellie. Every time we talk we seem to argue about something. Rarely, can we ever have a civilized conversation without a fight spinning. I have wished for years for this to change, but it hasn't, it just keeps getting worse.
Sometimes, I feel so alone. My family seems to be falling apart and I have no friends. Most days I just want to curl up and sleep it away. I can't even seem to get in the mood to bake the goodies I want to for my neighbors. I really need to get that done. Only 10 more days until Christmas. Who cares. I have felt this way in the past, but this year is the worst I have felt ever. I hate seeing our family torn apart over something so stupid, whatever it is. Like I said, I don't even know anymore. I just know that it can't be that bad that you have to make the family miserable and torn apart. Life is too short. Santa, if you are listening, All I really want for Christmas is for Shellie and Dad to make up and be the way we used to be.
On a side note - Happy Anniversary to Mom and Dad today! Celebrating 48 years!

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